What did I DO last night?
by TheBoredOne XIII
Summary: Various shinobi get smashed, wake up hungover, and wonder what the hell happened the night before. First up, Itachi.
1. Male or female?

Yeah, okay, I know no one wants to read these little blurbs at the top of the page where the author rambles on and on and on (I'm doing it already..), so I'll make this short.

I just thought it would be vaguely entertaining exploring how different some of our favourite shinobi would act.. smashed. Each char will probably get 2 to 3 chapters each. The chapters themselves are kind of short though. I could probably put each char in one chapter, but then I won't update as often. .

WARNINGS: Uhh.. OOCness, because that's always an issue. Shounen-ai/Yaoi pairings. Deidara bashing. :D

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, obviously, because if it belonged to me, there'd be even fewer females (and there are only like... 7... as is.) and Sasuke and Naruto would have shacked up a long time ago.

--

Drunkard the first - Itachi

"You wake him up!"

"What! No way. I ain't goin' near 'em, yeah? Besides, you're his partner, yeah."

"What's that got to do with it!"

"He's less likely to EAT YOU ALIVE, Yeah!"

"Hell, say 'Yeah' one more time, and I'll EAT YOU ALIVE MYSELF."

"Oh, YEAH?"

Meanwhile, on the other side of the door, Itachi awoke to the sound of Deidara's head being slammed through a wall.

"YEAH."

SLAM!

"WATCH IT!"

CRASH!

"OW, DAMN IT, YEAH, THAT WAS MY HAIR!"

CRUNCH.

"AGH, MY BACK!"

_Squuuuuuuish._

"NO! ZETSU! NOOOooooo..."

Burp.

All in all, it was a normal day at the Akatsuki HQ. Without bothering to open his eyes, Itachi turned over in bed and tuned out the various Deidara bashing noises as he tried to recall what the hell had happened last night. For the first time in his life, Uchiha Itachi drew a blank.

A few minutes later, he heard the door creak open.

"Uh... hey, you awake?" Kisame asked, slowly approaching the lump known as Itachi, careful not to let his guard down.

"Nngh." Itachi managed.

"Itachi-san..."

"Fine. Fine. I'm awake, damn it. Stop being so fucking loud."

Itachi lifted his face out of his pillow and opened his eyes. What he saw would strike a normal person with panic and fear. But Itachi was an Uchiha, and everyone knows Uchihas are not normal people. And there's no Uchiha alive, that's right, all TWO of them, that would ever allow anyone to forget it.

"Kisame..."

Although Itachi was a master of the art of showing no emotion, or as Sasuke calls it, the art of "bastarditiness" (It sounded better in his head, I'm sure.), Kisame, aided by his super sharkman senses, noticed a slight waver in Itachi's voice.

"Ye-yeah?"

"I've gone blind."

Kisame knew that Itachi's eyesight was getting worse, but he hadn't expected him to go blind any time soon, particularly not NOW. He didn't really know how to respond.

"Er.." he started, before realizing something important. "...Itachi-san..."

"I can't see anything." Itachi stated, cutting him off.

"Itachi-san." Kisame tried again.

"It's all dark."

"Itachi.."

"And black."

"I..ta..chi.." Kisame clenched his teeth, clearly getting more annoyed by the second.

"Hmm. Not very interesting to look at."

"Bah!" muttered Kisame, irritably. He reached over and pulled the comforter off the bed... and off Itachi's head.

"..oh." Itachi said, clutching his head. "Augh.."

"Headache?" Kisame asked, smirking. Itachi might not have any clue as to what happened last night, but he remembered it clearly.

"Wow, what brilliant deductive skills you have." Itachi tried rolling his eyes, but soon found that that only made his head spin more. "Bah.."

"Surprised? You really shouldn't be. If all you've got from last night is a hangover, you should consider yourself lucky." Now that Kisame knew that his partner wasn't in any shape to, as Deidara had so eloquently put it earlier, eat him alive, he was going to enjoy this. Granted, the former leaf shinobi could probably kick his ass, hungover or not, but Kisame figured he'd just make a lot of noise if he thought his life was in danger. After all, if his head hurt enough, it would probably give Kisame enough time to put a lot of distance between them. Or if not enough distance, then Deidara. "Personally, I would have bet you'd be one hell of a violent drunk."

Itachi blinked. What was that supposed to mean?

"...You mean.. I'm not?" he asked.

"Who has the brilliant deductive skills now?" Kisame snickered.

"Oh, shut up."

Itachi wasn't in the mood for this sort of thing. And the way Kisame was smiling made him wonder if he really even wanted to know what the hell had happened last night. _'On one hand, I am a bit curious..' _thought Itachi,_ 'On the other, if I DON'T know, then there would probably be less people that I would have to kill and I could go back to sleep.'_ Flopping down onto his pillow, and pulling the comforter back over his head, Itachi quickly opted for the latter choice, deciding that whatever had happened probably wasn't quite as interesting as staring at complete blackness for a few hours.

Staring at the lump, once again known as Itachi, Kisame frowned.

"What? You're not even going to ask what happened?" he asked, prodding the lump slightly.

"Not. Interested. Go away." came Itachi's muffled voice.

'_Hell if I'm leaving it at that!' _Kisame thought. "You're not even a bit curious?"

"No." Itachi lied. He was pretty good at it.

"Fine." Kisame got up, turning and walking to the door. He waited until he was halfway out of the room before turning around once more. "Just one thing though."

"What now?"

"Tell me, is Deidara male or female?"

And with that, he closed the door.

--

Dun dun dunn..

Making fun of Deidara is fun.

Yeah, that was short.. Itachi's little episode should be over in 2 to 4 chapters, depending on the length of them. Then I'll probably go spike Iruka's tea.

No point in updating if I think that no one is reading. (Aka, review please.)


	2. Holes in the wall

Weee, now we get to find out what Itachi DID last night! ..Maybe. :D

Anniemeister wants beta reading credit, so uh, credit to Anniemeister for beta reading. :O

(Not her penname, just something I like calling her. :D)

--

Drunkard the first – Itachi, continued.

Kisame quickly made his way down the hall and into the living area of the Akatsuki HQ in the manner of one fleeing a building that one knows to contain a bomb. All the while wondering just how much Itachi's eyes were bulging out of his head. Although, he reasoned, there wasn't much that could make the Uchiha's eyes bulge out of his head, and he was pretty sure that his partner was just trying to think of the most painful and bloody way to kill either him or Deidara, or perhaps both of them, at the moment.

Taking a quick look around the room, Kisame noticed a small mess of red hair poking out from the top of the couch.

"Hey." Kisame called out, thinking that perhaps Sasori would know where Deidara was, considering he wasn't still half embedded into the wall directly opposite Itachi's room. The puppet master, however, made no response to the greeting; after all, one of the requirements for being an Akatsuki member was obviously poor conversational skills.

Slightly annoyed, Kisame made his way around the couch, hoping that he wouldn't be ignored if he stood directly in front of the former sand shinobi.

"Hey." He repeated.

Still, nothing. Frowning, Kisame took note of what Sasori was actually doing. He appeared to be meddling with a new puppet, one resembling a small songbird.

'_What's he going to do with that? ANNOY his opponents to death?' _Kisame thought, staring at the small contraption. _'It DOES look tasty, though…'_

"Surveillance." Sasori murmured, not moving his head even a single millimeter. "And… No, you can't eat it."

'_How did he..' _Kisame wondered, but decided to ignore that last comment. "I… see. Er.. Have you seen your partner around?"

"…Have you checked the big Deidara-shaped hole in the wall?" Sasori asked.

"Which one?"

At least five such holes existed at any given time in the Akatsuki HQ.

"The one I made about five minutes ago." Sasori replied, making a vague hand motion to indicate the direction.

"Ah. Thanks." Kisame took one quick glace in the direction of Itachi's room before turning and rushing off.

Figuring that Kisame would not be looking for Deidara unless it had something to do with last night, Sasori quickly gathered up his things and made his way away from Itachi's room. He was never big on explosions. They were, after all, his partner's department. Not his.

Kisame progressed down the hall quickly. Sure enough, Deidara was in the direction Sasori had indicated.

"Damn Sasori-danna… I was just commenting, yeah. Nothing to get all worked up about."

Deidara promptly stopped muttering to himself as he heard a light snickering sound behind him. _'…Sasori-danna? …Nah. He doesn't laugh. Ever. Zetsu left on a mission just now so… wait, there's something fishy about thi—Wait, fishy?'_

"Kisame, stop yer laughin' and get me outta this damn wall, yeah!"

"I think it's better if you're stationary. Makes it easier to outrun you."

"Outrun me? Why would you have to out-- … Oh… no."

"Oh. _Yeah._"

"You bastard! You fishy bastard!"

One small explosion later and Deidara was out of the wall and looking around wildly for the quickest route of escape.

"Which way's he comin' from, yeah? Which way!"

"That way." Kisame stated, pointing in the direction from which he had come.

"Oh. Reeeally?" Deidara asked, suspicious. "I don't believe you, yeah."

And with that he ran off in the direction of one very mad Uchiha.

Kisame smiled to himself, before turning and walking off in the other direction. "Works every time."

Meanwhile in Itachi's room, his eyes were indeed bulging out of his head. Of course, there were no witnesses, and you'll have to take my word for it. But, I wouldn't _lie _to you, now would I?

Anyway, Itachi stayed completely motionless under his comforter, staring into the blackness in front of him. His mind swimming with questions.

'_Did he just… No, he couldn't ha—but what if… There's no way I… No, it can't… How could… But it's not… I didn't drink enough to… but what if I…'_

Unable to complete a single thought, Itachi closed his eyes, trying to get a hold of himself.

'_Damn it, man. You're an Uchiha. And as an Uchiha, you can't let something like this get to you. I am superior. I am strong. I am a man. I am spiffy. Wait, spiffy? Damn it, I'm starting to sound like Sasuke! I need a drink… …NO! No drinks!'_

"Calm down." He told himself. "Calm down. All I've got to do is… kill Deidara."

Yes, that sounded completely reasonable. Throwing off his comforter and ignoring his still throbbing head, Itachi got up and pulled on his cloak. Stopping by the mirror, he put on his terrorizing face (also known as his mean face, killing face, happy face, and just face in general). Then he proceeded to glide out of his room and down the hallways, in search of his prey.

--

Looks like I lied. :O We'll find out next chapter, I promise. :D

…Maybe. :points at review button before running off and hiding:


End file.
